Dear Football gods,
Realize that the mere publication of this could ruffle the feathers of those sarcastically-impaired folks who might believe that another pastor has eaten the forbidden fruit of idolatry. This attempt to communicate to you could lead me to such punishments as having to write the Shema 500 times, have the 1st Commandment tattooed on my forehead, or even the worst punishment of all...a meeting. I don't care. I'm willing to take the hit on behalf of the good people of my home state of Iowa, who have taken the hit more often than not.
I'm asking you to do the impossible and give my Hawkeyes one more miracle. Yes, you have dealt us a difficult blow. After tantalizing us with talk of undefeated dreams and BCS glory, you brought the purple GPA masters, the Northwestern Wildcats, into our house and allowed them to beat us. Worse than that, you basically did it on one play that netted the Wildcats a defensive touchdown and our QB, Ricky Stanzi, a high-ankle sprain that essentially leaves us with a redshirt freshman quarterback starting with our fourth choice for running back going into one of your most famous shrines, the Horseshoe in Columbus, Ohio to play the almighty Ohio State Buckeyes.
Hear my plea.
There is no doubt that the people of Ohio are good people. Eight US Presidents, the most famous astronaut, and Joe the Plumber all hail from the Buckeye State. The good people of Ohio love football more than anything and with the Browns and Bengals you have really given them nothing to be excited about except OSU football (granted you have been kind to the Bengals this year.) And, with the jobs that have been shed in Ohio with the collapse of the automobile industry, they needed something to be happy about. But they got their bailout and a little program called Cash for Clunkers that helped them out.
But the farmers of America get no love. You don't hear the President offering a "Cash for Corn" program, do you? And you don't often hear our farmers complain about not getting any help because they know how to help themselves. And when things go bad for Iowans, they don't act like whiny victims of conspiracy theories. They work, they love their God, they love their country, and other than a few strange folks in the state, they love their Hawkeyes. I submit to you that my home state has taken enough beatings. For instance, Iowa is the home state of one US President who is remembered by US News and World Report as "a poor communicator who fueled trade wars and exacerbated the Depression." Iowans are often targeted as being hicks (Iowans consistently score higher than most states...you didn't take the California Basic Skills test, did you??), being in the middle of nowhere (instead of being the center of it all), or being behind the times. But are the times we live in really worth keeping up with?
Let me get to the bottom line. Iowa needs a miracle on Saturday against Ohio State. A bunch of under-hyped, passed over, 3 star recruits being headed by a red-shirt freshman QB playing in a hostile environment against 5-star blue-chip athletes stand little or no chance without your help. At stake is a big-time bowl game...the Rose Bowl, sitting just an hour from my house, waiting for me to see my beloved Hawkeyes. Besides, the Big Ten really could do without having to be subjected to Ohio State being owned in a big bowl game again. Just give the Hawkeyes a chance and I trust you will not be disappointed.
One last thing. I'm asking this as a personal favor who has faithfully endured some of the crappiest football in recent history. My NFL team has won 7 out of it's last 41 games. Finally, my college team is on the brink but looking troubled. Get them over the top and I will be forever grateful.
Sincerely,
Joel Plantinga
PS, Thank you for getting Larry Johnson out of my life.
